The U.S. State Department has accused Russia of hacking into the ionosphere and generating excessive and annoying levels of Northern Lights. The ongoing display of light saber rattling, apparently a misguided attempt to “show off” the technological prowess of their teams of warmongering physicists, extends its “tentacles of terror” deep into the sovereign territory of the U.S. and its European allies. This has resulted in widespread panic in U.S. cities like Buffalo, NY and Detroit, MI, where public displays of drunkenness and rowdiness have skyrocketed.
While no evidence of Russian responsibility has been offered, White House spokesperson, Josh Earnest, recently stated: “The motive is obvious. The constant flashing and gyrating shapes in the sky are intended to cause sleep deprivation. When people don’t get enough sleep, their guard is down. The Russians are trying to undermine our national security with this cheap stunt. It’s an unprecedented act of aggression and, trust me, will not go unanswered. We are coordinating our response with the Department of Defense, NSA, CIA, and Hayden Planetarium in New York.”
One reporter asked about the rumors that world-renowned astrophysicist Dr. Neal deGrasse Tyson had been summoned to the White House to seek his expert advice on exactly what appropriate counter-measures and retaliation might be available.
“Well . . . Mr. Tyson appears to be a Putin-apologist and commie sympathizer. When we approached him about this, after he stopped rudely laughing in our faces, the guy just shrugged his shoulders and walked away shaking his head. What an arrogant man. We are keeping our eye on him.”
U.S. Ambassador to the UN, Samantha Power, has just presented American demands to the United Nations Security Council that a comprehensive regime of economic sanctions be imposed on Russia for tampering with the electromagnetic field of the Earth.
“We need to show these Russians once and for all we mean business. Today it’s Northern Lights. Tomorrow they’ll be injecting vodka into the aquifers serving the citizens of the free world, or blasting balalaika music at us 24/7 from outer space. This is an outrage and an act of war. As humanitarians concerned with the welfare of people everywhere on this planet, it is our duty to support the Russian citizenry as they attempt to free themselves from the barbaric oppression and inhumane cruelty of government tyranny, by cutting off all food, water, medicine, electricity, and internet access. Let these sanctions do their job. Pass this resolution immediately!”
In a separate interview, another reporter asked Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter, what will America do if the sanctions don’t work.
“We have a Plan B. If sanctions don’t break the chains of totalitarian control which Putin is attempting to impose on the world, perhaps a few thousand cruise missiles will.”
So . . .
Rest assured, folks, our enlightened leadership has the situation under control. America will in the end triumph.
But just to be safe . . .
While there is no medical evidence that Northern Lights per se can cause physiological damage, the FDA has just recommended that until this siege is brought under control, everyone should stay indoors and keep their blinds and curtains drawn.
Should you have to go out at night, apply SPF-50 sun block to exposed areas and wear sunglasses. DO NOT STARE AT THE LIGHTS! It is unlikely but still possible that they contain subliminal “brainwashing” messages. If you are bothered by the unusual urge to read Das Kapital by Karl Marx, or seized by the impulse to stand on a table and break out singing The Internationale, immediately see a doctor. This is covered under Obamacare.