`(Thought experiment on a string)
So, some modern Japanese alchemists have been busy at work finding a solution to our fossil fuel problem – Methane Hydrate. Methane? Holy farts, Batman! We can fart ourselves to freedom! Alternatively, if we were to extract all the methane from human bodies, perhaps we could make the windmills turn. Surely, we must be able to come up with a technology, hook it up to the average toilet, and if one sits there broken-hearted… Well… there you have it. Stored methane that we can re-use. Imagine! We could even make money by selling our flatulence.
In all seriousness folks, there is nothing sacred in this world anymore. Those running the show – the moneymen and their hired pitchmen, the politicians – will try just about anything to keep this midday matinee playing. You guessed it, another assault on mother earth. Just keep punching holes in her and extracting whatever hidden stuff she may be keeping from us. And even as she tells us to fuck-off, we just keep up the assault. Weather extremes, global warming, earthquakes, tsunamis, wildfires, fouled air, polluted waters, unidentifiable diseases and ailments popping up all around, but we don’t care. Just drill baby, drill! And while you are at it; stuff more pigs into the pig farm, more cattle into the feeding room, more chickens into the industrial coop, until our bodies fester with disease and are unable to repair themselves, even with the strongest of antibiotics. That is certainly one way to trim the bloated population. And let us not forget those few indigenous ones living quietly at the forests edge or by a hidden river inlet. Take away their territories so we can open up new mines, and dig some more holes to extract whatever we can to prop up this grand spectacle.
And the militarization of the homeland – land of the free and home of the brave – will continue apace, as those in charge prepare for the coming reality of marshal law in an effort to control the unwashed masses as they all try to head for the exits at once. Why do you think they are trying to take away your guns? Why do you think they are increasing the monitoring of everything we do? Why do you think the Internet is basically free entertainment? Because they like you? No, because they can mine all the data and personal information generally unavailable, but now out there for the taking without the need for judicial warrants. Another key question is how are they going to continue to prop up this economy and its indices with fiat money that has absolutely no absolute value.
Well, we have made real shit out of money, and mountains of garbage from the earth’s bounty, so why not make fire from ice? God! Can’t wait for the coming ice age… we will be able to make beaucoup energy. We just need one big fucking volcano now, or a good volley of nuclear weapons and we will be on our way to a new energy future, with a lot fewer people and species around to ruin things. So strike up the band and let’s get on with it. It certainly must be more interesting than watching the alchemists at work on your 401k.
And, while we are at it. I really cannot blame the NRA for pushing against gun control legislation. I personally own no firearms and have only shot on rare occasions; but I do think that when things get tough, it should still resemble a fair fight. And only their God knows how many rounds of ammo DHS has secured! So what is a poor schmuck to do? Load up the family wagon… err SUV… err 4×4 with enough shit to protect the missus and the 2.5 kids. Right? At least he will go down fighting, just as Dylan Thomas suggested. You just never know where a good (or goofy) idea may come from. Certainly not from this blog!
Now, it has been suggested that one may also get fire from ice that is shaped like a lens. Use your clear ice-lens as you would a regular lens, reflecting and concentrating the rays of the sun, and voila! So, hey, maybe we don’t need all that methane anyway. Forget the pay-for-flatulence deal. It’s off! But, hey… let’s just pump some more shit into ole’ mama earth anyway, you know, just for the fuck of it, and see what will bubble on up to the surface. And we can always put some indigenous slaves to work on the marine platforms, just in case that methane blows… then we only lose a few unwelcome ones anyway. But that methane is a bit of a problem child anyway… seems it cools its surroundings as it dissociates from the icy slush. But we already knew that about methane, didn’t we? Sounds a lot like what happens when anyone farts; things get rather ‘cold’ and the place empties out pretty quickly. And while the Japanese are worried about precipitate hydrates clogging up the well; if your methane gets clogged, it would lead to a much bigger problem, like shitting your pants. Then the whole place goes crazy, and all those ‘bar-flies’ start buzzing around you. That’s the money deal; right there. But why frick around with all that methane stuff, when you could just frack around with the natural gas hidden in the shale underneath Pennsylvania? Just ask the folks above the Marcellus Shale. Or check in with the suckers in Colorado or Texas, and see how the fracking thing is doing for them.
Personally, I still think the least expensive way of generating enough energy to keep the big grid operational is to harvest (or is the word, harness) all the methane available from every butt-hole, butt-head, and dreaded buttinski we can roundup. Take all that gas together with the shit that spews forth constantly from each and every orifice of our political class and we could keep this thing going cost effectively for centuries!
Addendum: Can you imagine this brave new world of energy generation: methane extractor-concentrators strapped on every person’s waist; family farting parties, more important than even Christmas; personal advertisements with women looking for big farts who are willing to share their methane productivity generously. Indeed, perhaps that is how our primitive ancestors survived so long.