Hey kCs, DA here again. It had been a pretty uneventful Saturday morning following a pretty uneventful week out here in the Land of Enchantment; dog days of August and all that. As I lazily stumbled through a local Home Depot in search of I remember not what, I quite unexpectedly ran into the subject of my interview today. I first noticed him out of the corner of my eye, but wasn’t quite sure what to make of him. A sort of electric buzz or light and “angelic choir” sound seemed to emanate from his direction, not unlike that perfect ten chick that you spy from time to time if you’re lucky, except that the volume seemed to be cranked WAY up this time; all of which totally belied his dress and demeanor. The dude was decked out in nothing more than decidedly worn Carhartt carpenter’s jeans and an oversized pocket T, with beat up Merrell hiking boots and an old fashioned rolled-up blue kerchief bandana holding back his shoulder length (albeit obviously receding) hair to top off the ensemble. With the full beard, dark complexion, and weathered skin texture, he resembled nothing so much as a slightly aging hipster hanging out with nothing to do on a lazy early Saturday afternoon. His look conveyed, “Yeah, I’m a personal savior, but SO WHAT? I’m not trying to impress ANYBODY.” Not being a religious man, I was surprised at what transpired next:
DA: Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, is that YOU? JC: Shhh!!! Hold it down, would ya? I’m trying to get some shopping done here on my one day off! Do you have any idea how many church services I have to sit in on tomorrow? DA: Is that REALLY you? JC: Well of course it is, Einstein! Are you REALLY that surprised? DA: Well of course! JC: Why, Saviors don’t have shopping to do too? DA: Well, I dunno. I never really thought about it that way. JC: Perhaps you should. DA: OK, so what in the hell are you DOING HERE in the first place? JC: Why? Just where in hell SHOULD I be? DA: I dunno, in HEAVEN maybe? JC: Oh, like this ain’t it? [laughs out loud]. DA: Not really. JC: Have you ever spent time around GOD? [sardonic grin] DA: Obviously not. JC: Maybe you should [sardonic grin intensified]. He can be a bit grouchy at times, what with a whole universe to run and resisting evil and all that. DA: Maybe… [meekly]
DA: So, Jesus, do you have a minute? JC: For you DA, I’ve got an eternity! [LOLs and slaps me on the back!] DA: Seriously, I post to this blog every now and then… JC: Yeah, I know. DA: And… JC: Not bad. But you’ve obviously still got some work to do. But you knew that. DA: Yeah. JC: So why did you ask in the first place? DA: Well, it’s not every day you get a chance to interview the one and only son of God. JC: Oh, that…
[After resettling to back of store in the safety of the custom kitchen displays] DA: So Jesus, just what is it like to be the “son of god?” JC: Probably just like you would expect it to be. Not very nice all in all! I had NO IDEA what I was getting into with this gig when I signed up for it AT ALL! DA: How so? Just what part of “personal savior” didn’t you understand? JC: Oh, I dunno. Just what part of personal savior do YOU ALL not understand? Did you REALLY think that someone would be naïve enough to buy into the idea of “dying for your sins,” assuming you idiots were even smart enough to realize you HAD sins in the first place? DA: Yeah, I get your point. JC: Yeah, maybe for now. But let’s go on. DA: OK, but again, what’s it like to be the one the chosen one? JC: First of all, it’s overrated, and second of all, I’m not. That whole “only begotten son of god” thing was meant to be a bit of literary theater, which the “primitives” I was dealing with at the time intuitively “got,” but which you “advanced” 21st century numb skulls, for all your technological skills, do not. It simply makes no sense whatsoever in your current context and yet, still you perpetuate it, instead of simply moving on. Even God, that old curmudgeon, has more than a few knee slaps from time to time at that observation. DA: Wait, you’re not? JC: Of course not! Does the whole story line make any sense to you? A celibate all powerful God creates a male and female sex and the whole concept of procreation, then abstains from it himself and exalts those who do also as somehow “holier” than the rest, even though that’s the only way they can perpetuate their species. The story had a lot of holes in it right from the start, but then again, the people I was dealing with at the time weren’t exactly the brightest bunch, and they had their own agenda anyway. They were really into the whole self-denial thing back then. You’ve gotta remember, before I came along, it was all blood sacrifice and burnt offerings. Rocket scientists those people weren’t. DA: So you mean you’re not the product of a virgin birth? JC: Are you? DA: Not that I know of. JC: Well, there ya go. It made for one ripping good yarn, though, didn’t it?
DA: Well then, tell me about heaven. What’s it like? JC: Kind of boring really. A whole lot of sitting around and listening to you guys make appeals for special favors from down below. Hence the old man’s admonition not to use his name in vain. Do you have any idea how many responses that generates? Even with a small legion of angels manning the switchboards, it’s just overwhelming sometimes. DA: What about the furnishings? Must be pretty posh, huh? JC: Well, it’s not like Obama’s place [laughs heartily], but then again it’s just me and God ‘baching’ it, so we don’t need a whole lot. And hey, what’s the use of being a Supreme Being anyway if you gotta worry about what people think of the place? We have a few cute little angels come in twice a week and tidy up, and that’s that. The old man’s getting on in years now, so he doesn’t eat much, and I’ve been developing a little paunch myself, so I cut back too. Once God threw Lucifer out, things quieted down quite a bit.
DA: That’s right! Tell me about that! JC: Well, you know Satan was the first born, and like a lot of firsts, he had a bit of devil in him [Looks at me seriously, then doubles over in laughter]. Satan was a hell raiser right from the start, matter of fact he originated the term. Wild angel parties every night ‘til all hours, pranking on me and the old man, the whole bit. But even God had to admit, the dude had it all. Devilishly handsome, a smooth talker, witty, charming, and well… ahem… endowed, he was just a hard act to follow, even for a Supreme Being. So finally the old man tossed Satan and his whole entourage out and the rest, as they say, is history. DA: And thus began the battle for mankind’s immortal souls? JC: Yeah, I guess you could say that. Although the “battle” seems to be pretty one sided up to this point doesn’t it? DA: Yeah, I guess it does.
DA: So, tell me about your whole earth experience. JC: Well, it certainly wasn’t a hoot going out like that, but the old man thought I needed to make a dramatic gesture on the way out to get everyone’s attention. DA: And the miracles? JC: Well, there really was only one. Satan taught me how to do the water into wine trick before he took out on his own, and when you can pull that one off, you’d be amazed at what else you can convince people of afterward. DA: So you’re telling me it was all just the effects of the wine? JC: That and good old fashioned willingness to believe, but I DO conjure up some pretty mean wine if I do say so myself. DA: Ok, let’s move on to the Crucifixion, if you don’t mind talking about it. JC: Not at all. As I said, it was certainly no picnic, but the old man thought I should do something really dramatic to earn my title, and of course, to shake things up a little bit among you humans. Of course them damn Romans were only too willing to oblige. [laughs] DA: And the resurrection? JC: The wine and willingness to believe again… DA: That’s all? JC: That’s all. As I said, you humans ARE fond of the dramatic flourishes! DA: And the second coming? JC: Once again, drama. DA: No triumph of good over evil? JC: Nah. That’s not my thing. Besides, that’s what YOU GUYS are here to figure out.
DA: So you’re saying the whole story line was just a sham all along? JC: Yep! But one YOU GUYS foisted upon YOURSELVES. The old man and I just look on in amazement as it continues to unfold. DA: What? No divine intervention!?! JC: You act surprised. Listen, what would be the point? The whole story line makes no sense whatsoever. Never has. I mean if we were truly all powerful, what would be the point of a “battle” between good and evil at all? And wouldn’t that mean that we weren’t all powerful in the first place? Of course it would. DA: So what IS the point of it all then” JC: The point of it all DA, is for YOU ALL to figure that question out for YOURSELVES! God and I, we’re just sub-conscious PROJECTIONS of yours in a rather pitiful attempt to make sense of things that you as a species, at this point in time at least, have NO CONCEPTION of WHATSOEVER! And as you begin to figure out the answers to those questions, assuming you ever actually do of course, your conceptions of God and I, good and evil, the whole ball of wax, will begin to change as well. You’ll begin to realize that “eternal” doesn’t equate to “changeless,” but in fact means constantly changing and evolving, albeit around a thread of eternal continuity. DA: You’re not really here then, are you, and I’m not really talking to you, am I? JC: Only in your head DA, but of course you already knew that.
DA: OK then, well perhaps I should wrap this up then? Any parting shots while I’m still imagining you? JC: You’ve got a pretty good story here DA, so you should put it out there. Granted, very few people will read it, and fewer still will get any meaning out of it; matter of fact, it will likely piss a few off. But it’s good work anyway, and you should never discount the ripple effect that your words and deeds can have for good OR for ill. And the takeaway? You all on earth, and I mean ALL OF YOU, the microorganisms, the plants, the animals, the humans, the environment you live in, ALL OF IT!, are IN THIS THING TOGETHER! Your collective fates are joined in ways that you cannot even BEGIN to imagine yet. So perhaps you humans in particular might want to start keeping that in mind and changing up your act a bit. Cause if you don’t, your time will be running out very shortly, and I’m not coming back again to magically sort it all out for you. And THAT’S a promise! See ya around DA! And hey, give my regards to the devil [laughs and fades]!